| let me cross this bridge... |
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| 11:45am 14/09/2007 |
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God, i can't imagine what this year is going to be like. it's crazy.. i know you are going to do amazing things this year and it's just.. mindblowing how everything is slowly falling apart... everything that we hold true is under attack and I'm scared God. it's been intense already.. please just be with Elena.. keep her safe and calm her down.. help her to figure out everything thats going on with her mind and her body.. it's a scary thing Lord especially if you don't know what's happening.
and michelle. i can't get her out of my mind Lord. I just feel like it's something... i feel like there's something big thats gonna happen this year. something really really big. the Azusa Revival. |
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| 03:08pm 06/08/2007 |
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1310 MUS 431 2.0 Intro to Music Education Jensen, M T R 11:25-12:50M AZWMUS127
1258 MUS 351 02 3.0 Anc, Ren, & World Music Lit Fedoruk, C M W F 11:50-12:45M AZWMUS127
1214 MUS 289 1.0 Wind Ensemble Gray, Don T R 02:40-04:30P
AZWMUS122
F 02:10-03:05P AZWMUS122
1211 MUS 282 01 1.0 Handbell Choir Gray, Don M W 02:10-04:10P AZWMUS113
F 03:15-04:10P AZWMUS113
1190 MUS 221 01 3.0 Music Theory III Royse, Dennis M W F 10:40-11:35A AZWMUS116
1184 MUS 217 03 1.0 Practical Musicianship III Instructor TBA T R 10:15-11:10A AZWMUS111
1179 MUS 213 01 1.0 Applied Piano Clifft, Joel F 12:00-01:00P AZMUNS
1177 MUS 210 0.0 Performance Forum Sutton, John M 04:20-05:15P AZMUNS
1172 MUS 1W1 CL 1.0 Appl Woodwind: Clarinet Gray, Don |
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| first impressions |
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| 12:41am 22/07/2007 |
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mood:  grateful
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ohhh man so socheat came to church with me today and i was so freaking nervous about it. i dont even know why! i mean, i know i was super excited when it kind of came up in conversation once about church and he was
"like yeah ive been pretty interested in it for a while..." so i invited him and he actually came!
he was like so excited about everything and kept freaking out about the playground, the food, the band.. i guess church is something ive always known and it never occurred to me but people really dont know what goes on! i was gonna have a heart attack when terry started talking about "THE LIST" cuz i was like please God please God no!! and then he freaking PASSED THEM OUT and was talking about like reaching people who were far from God and I felt so bad because i didnt want him to think thats what i thought of him... because i wasnt even thinking of that! i didnt even invite him because terry said so! it was out there already and after terry said it i was like okay i can give this a try God. and i still dont know if soch caught it or was offended or what the heck was going on in this head this entire time because i honestly dont know him all that well but he didnt seem to fazed by it. he was too busy being excited about the band and the skit and terry's A.D.D.ness. he also really loved the family atmosphere and i was so excited to hear him say that because thats whats going to attract people!!! our love! terry said it in his sermon today which again was slightly awkward but its so true.
he keeps expressing his excitement and his thanks and i really really hope that it will lead to something... that at least a seed was planted and he actually knows what its like.. not just some boring guy talking at you. ahhhh! God, it's all in your hands.. I do care about him greatly and I will do whatever it takes.. I'm Yours and I want you to use me in any way that you can! I know that you've placed me in this situation for a reason and I just pray that you would make me willing and able. Love you God.. may it show in my life. |
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| goodnight high fives |
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| 01:35am 18/07/2007 |
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mood:  really glad
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wow so i hung out with andrew today and it was the craziest most unexpected thing ever. i had such a good time and he's matured.. sadly because ari cheated on him and he still loves her... but still. i mean, i know i always wanted someone to "break" him but i suppose now that its actually happened, it sucks and i hate that he had to go through it.
we had a lot of fun just chilling in the explorer talkin' music and about a lot of other stuff too. i think we are finally at the point where we can be friends for real and it feels good. i mean, i also like that he misses me and "can still see himself with me" because even though it sucks that he got his heart broken... i guess it doesnt stop me from wanting him to regret breaking up with me. yeah im a jerk... but i know i wouldnt get back with him... i just want him to want me back.
okay i sound mean.. i really sincerely enjoyed hanging out with him again. its been so long and ive become so bitter that i honestly did forget why i ever liked him... so it was nice to have that reminder of the good. love is love you know? |
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| the places that you've come to fear the most |
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| 01:40am 14/07/2007 |
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mood:  pissed off
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today was intense.
well, for starters i was reliving armenia.. or trying to at least. i really do miss it and it makes me so sad that its almost like the memory has faded. i suppose it was bound to happen but it sucks. like hardcore status.
then i got that message from brandon and i replied and atuff but it hurt and i kind of felt like i was rambling but.. i dont know how to explain how i feel about and i needed to so badly.
i brought it up over dinner and that just made everything BAD. i literally felt sick to my stomach and just couldn't bring myself to finish the rest of my dinner. and the whole time i wanted to just leave and go cry but there didnt seem to be an appropriate time. not that we were talking... i just didnt want to cause more problems. but even now im still upset and actually kind of pissed off. obviously i have no reason to be... if anything he would be.. but i really am like upset about this! its a real sore spot for me because its the one reason why i hate myself. its the one thing i wish had never ever happened. and ive tried SO HARD to change for brandon and i really think im doing well. in fact, i KNOW im doing so much better than before and it kind of sucks that he will never really understand just how different this is for me.. how much better i am because i know that i love him more than anyone.
and im still upset. i cant talk and im constantly on the verge of tears. i hate it hate it hate it and theres nothing i can do about it either. oh, PLUS im not gonna see him this weekend at all which upsets me too. obviously i cant really do anything about it and its not even like it could change either but it still sucks. i mean, not only did i want to see him, we had a thing yesterday when he didnt want to talk to me???? and then that stupid message and then all the crap from tonight and we never talked about it.. he just left and i wont see him till monday. i dont know if im going to call him tomorrow or not. i mean, i want to talk to him.. but i dont want to be the one to call. im still kinda pised or hurt or upset or whatever the hell you wanna call it..
whatever. im going to bed. |
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| can absolutely NOTHING go right??? |
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| 10:17am 10/10/2006 |
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mood:  depressed music: existentialism on prom night - straylight run
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this has got to be one of the worst weeks EVER.. i just wanna crawl in my bed and cry myself to sleep.
again. |
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| oh, college! thy name is OUT OF CONTROL |
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| 10:19pm 29/08/2006 |
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mood:  sleepy music: tired - weezer
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so im here at apu and its all very interesante..
handbell camp is just WOW.
i really like the group of people.. theyre all really cool and stuff and i think we are going to be a tight-knit group... all 12 of us lol. im also really excited about going to armenia with the handbell choir in may! exciting stufffff
however..
this shiz is dificillllllllllll like crazy! its fun cuz its challenging but at the same time it makes me feel really inadequate. im one of two freshmen in the choir so yesterday i was feelin' good about myself because i was doing a pretty good job for having never played with such level of experience. but today i just felt crappy because ive never played with such level of experience.
on TOP of that!
im freaking stressed out about this whole audition thing. like for serious. ive got my Rose Etude but im also play Mozart's Concierto for Clarinet which is proving to be much more difficult. emphasis on the much more. i honestly cant play it standing up for the life of me and this is a problem for two reasons
1. i have to audition standing up
2. IM IN FREAKING MARCHING BAND
so thats stress-inducing factor numero dos. marching band. i have never done it in my life. and i cant play standing up. maybe its just me but that doesnt sound like it would work out too well.
i did make a few friends though. jackie in particular.. who used to go to OC so it was weird running into her! but we went out for starbucks and just talked forever and it was great! shes really cool and a lot like me. in factttt.. she has the same political views as me which is INCREDIBLE. love it.
oh okay so i just looked over on my desk and i see this brightly colored notecard that i decorated so prettily as a reminder to myself. it says
heidi did devotions for handbell today and it just really touched my heart and i praise God cuz mann she was speaking straight to me. she said that while we are here at azusa pacific.. since we are all musicians.. we tend to get really caught up in *doing it right* to the point where we get so frustrated about it and forget what music is really about. we forget that music has to do with passion... with feeling! that the reason why we decided to go into music was because we were passionate about it. so even though its so easy to get caught up in the stress of such a competitive music school... we cant forget out passion. in fact, passion should come before all of that. passion before precision. if we just have the passion.. if we just remember our passion... the precision will come simply because we are musicians. it seems difficult to sit back and accept but when i really think about it.. thats so true. i was so ridiculously stressed out and its a good reminder. haha i guess thats why i made this notecard in the first place! to remind me when i get stressed out like i just was...
-sigh of relief-
okay. im going to bed now.. |
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| im really gonna miss this girl.. |
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| 02:34pm 25/08/2006 |
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mood: sad
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"langostita..
no tienes veruenza!
una vida sin mi otra media?
NUNCA!
i wont stand for it. see, heres the thing-- when lobsters are together, theyre together for life. ((well, as long as life can be when your whole purpose is to be steamed, slathered in butter, and served to a morbidly obese american who's paying $75.00 for your thirteen ounce self.))
see, college is just the next step. and i wish i was going with you right now, but my time will come soon. i cried this morning in the shower when i realized that come my first day, there wont be a senior pavillion for me to skip off to with glee...i will be the senior pavillion. well, as much as one person can be a pavillion...
sigh. my love-- i realized that you have truly become a part of me; without my asking for it, or looking for it. thats how you know you've found a true friend, a friend for life.
i miss you like nothing else, and i've been dreading the day when you'd tell me you were moving. no more daring drives up your big fattie hill: emo music blaring-- high school angst on our lips and love in our hearts. a longing to stay and to go...but never for stagnancy.
we're moving baby, we're going someplace. and as long as i've got you in my heart, im not afraid of where we'll end up.
i love you langostita.
you complete me.
no. really. |
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| over things.. |
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| 10:34pm 30/07/2006 |
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soo i havent done a vent in a while.. but i figure its about time that i post my opinion and piss lots of people off so lets get this party started..
you're so gay.
in all honesty.. i support gay rights.. gay people.. gay whatever! when one of the greatest guys ive ever met came out to me.. i couldnt even begin to imagine why people would be such jerks and freak out about it. he is such a loving, caring, amazing and religious person.. i cant even imagine condemning him or calling him a bad person. he's helped me through so much.. spiritually.. you cant honestly think he's not really a christian. i believe whole heartedly that God loves him nonetheless. so its a sin.. WE ALL SIN! what makes your sin so much more forgivable than his that God would love you and not him???
sir, yessir!
dont get me wrong.. i support our troops. i want our boys (and girls..) home safely.... but i want them home now. i hate this war.. i think its the stupidest thing in the world and just thinking about our little excursion into iraq makes me sick to my stomach. i know im supposed to support the president and all but every time i look at him.. every time i see him on TV giving some new speech.. all i can think about is abe simpson.. john bockman.. danny buboltz.. erika ambrose.. ryan sarkissian.. all those kids dressed up in uniform..... and it makes me want to cry. every time i see a soldier in uniform, i get chills and tears because, though i know they are fighting for the love of their country, i cant help but cry when i think about what they are getting themselves into..
spare change? God Bless.
so what if i give money to the homeless guy on the street? dont give me this crap about *rewarding his laziness* im sorry if i see a miserable man on the side of the road and want to do all i can to help him better his life.. is that so wrong? i think that it is our job to help others.. especially as christians. now im not saying that i want to fund his alcohol but im not saying thats what he's gonna be spending it on either. you dont know that so stop being so judgmental! because if i really had my way, i would take that man home. i would take him out for lunch, let him take a shower, give him a comfy bed, and find him a job. because i guess hospitality just isnt culturally acceptable anymore so dont scold me for doing the absolutely least that i possibly could for another human being. |
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| oww |
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| 10:46am 10/07/2006 |
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mood:  sore
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my arms are sore.
was i supposed to stretch them before i attempted to climb up a fake rock? |
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| what?? |
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| 08:10pm 09/07/2006 |
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mood:  thoroughly confused
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dude.. i spent the night at rachels and then when i called the next morning to see if i could go rock climbing with brandon, my mom asks if i spent the night at brandons and was lying to her????
i was tempted to tell her that if i wanted to sneak out and spend the night at brandons i wouldnt be calling her to ask if i could hang out with him.. i would have just let her assume i was at rachels this entire time.
come on now. |
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| things change.. |
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| 10:06pm 30/04/2006 |
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mood:  enamored
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so i decided to pick up my livejournal again because who doesnt love livejournal? not me thats for sure!
today i went to church and psh saw andrew again.. its so weird seeing him and all that jazz... whatever.. then i went to work and then when i got home i called brandon and he came over
aw it was the sweetest thing ever! we basically just chilled all day.. we were laying on the floor next to each other just talking and giggling and it was just amazing.. i dunno. just laying there next to him.. i cant wait to do that forever.. yeah that sounds horribly drastic but i really would like to spend the rest of my life with brandon.. things are seriously beyond perfect and i couldnt be happier.
then we watched the movie crash which was EXCELLENT by the way.. simply amazing.. besides, being in brandons arms made it all the more enjoyable i must say
yay im in love and its ridiculous
but it feels so good ♥ |
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| ill run you over |
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| 10:23pm 05/01/2006 |
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mood:  satisfied music: Bedroom Talk - starting line
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my favorite part was that he is EXACTLY the same as i thought he would be!! its so cool when you can kind of feel someones personality through the way they type or whateverness and OMG he is like the POSTER CHILD for it!
it was really cool though.. finally meeting him and stuff. even though.. well technically i have met him before. when me and rachel went to bobby and johns graduation thingy.. but this time like for real! not just oh hey kristen and this is my friend jake.
ah it was great.. lots of fun. even though it didnt feel like a first time because.. i dunno! it wasnt even the slightest bit awkward.. it was like we hung out everyday or something which rocked!
plus i got to see steph which was awesome because i love her
and his dog is just the cutest thing in the world!!!!!!
hmm.. where to go from here... |
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| i'll admit i <3 him |
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| 10:19pm 29/12/2005 |
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mood:  loved music: what is this feeling - wicked soundtrack
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Kristen,
What Sonny has been kindly holding back, as well as many other people at school, who have found out from Sonny... which you have either have heard already, figured out, or have a slight inclination of, and which information wise, i'm not concerned about, but rather the delivery of and who delivers the message, is this: I like you, more than the good friend that you are, your one of the most beautiful, intelectual people i have had the prilivage to know, let alone call my friend, you are truely a wonderfull person to be around, extremely intelegent, witty, and extremely an extremely good debator... yet you have the finite characterists which many of such wit and logic lack, the randomness and energy which makes you totally unique... totally different, and as you said, "You can't find anyone like me"...
usually at this time, like all good guys would do; would be ask you out, but in this case i don't think that would be the best course of action, for from what litttle experience i have had with the opposite sex, and what limited warped knowledge one can gain from anime and the works of Shakespere... i know at least that, happyness is truely what is important, and from ur blogs it appears that you have found peace in the single life, and so i respect that and honor that....
But none the less, this was best said now, before the sands of the hour glass dwindle and Sonny's or anyone elses mouth comes unsown....
ich ehre Sie
Tsuma
wow i dont know what to say to that.. i mean i kind of knew it all a long but i definitely have to applaud him for being able to have the guts to tell me straight up.
oh plus i found out that people actually read this blog thing of mine! which means i have to be a little bit more careful about what i say lol. BUT since people do read this.. im not going to reply to tsuma in here though i will probably post it as private later just because i like to keep a record.. memories and stuff. |
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| jeffrey |
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| 12:53am 28/12/2005 |
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mood: flirtacious music: popular - wicked soundtrack
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you know i really do love being single... i never thought i would say that but i seem to be much better at it.. and much happier when i am as well. dont get me wrong, having a boyfriend is wonderful b/c its nice when you find that one someone who makes you feel loved.. but i just dont have time right now!
so anyways.. went with rachel and her fam to six flags on monday.. day after christmas(..???) and it was lots of fun. lol interesting things went down with her cousin. i know i saw him on sabbath at church and thought he was pretty dang cute and then i found out he was related to rachel and decided that was awkward lol especially since she had been telling me about all the bad things her cousin had been doing and um.. yeah that was him lol. and then me and angelico were at her house and then i decided that i didnt like him cuz he was pretty annoying/mean/immature even though hes freaking our age.
LOL okay so then the fun begins. rachel invites me along for that monday because she doesnt wanna be stuck alone with him and he tells her to "invite hot friends" because apparrently he thinks he can "seduce" any girl she brings along. THAT was very intriguing news to me lol because.. i suppose im just mean and i love breaking guys who think theyre all that.. its one of my favorite past times lol..
long story short.. he bent over backwards to stay in california an extra day to see me and had to "resist the urge to grab me and kiss me"
RESULTS?
well lets just say..
i win. |
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| christmas |
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| 12:52am 25/12/2005 |
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mood:  unsure...
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ive decided that i need to get married on christmas
because everything
(relationship-wise)
significant happens on christmas
last year i started a relationship.
and this year i ended one.
i amuse myself. |
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| life's little conondrums |
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| 11:19pm 17/12/2005 |
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mood:  unsure music: not that girl - wicked
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why do i still sit here and wonder..
did i really mean it..? |
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| brandonmiddlenamecannon!!!! |
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| 10:57pm 15/12/2005 |
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mood:  amused music: erika talking
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Would you...?
Kiss me.. sure, but you have a bf
Hug me.. yea
Kill me.. nah ;)
Love me.. i do as a friend
Hate me.. not usually ;)
Hold me.. sure
Lie to me..prob have...
Hurt me.. not intentionally
Sing with me.. prob have
Dance with me.. prob have
Grind with me.. i dont grind
Cuddle with me.. prob have
Let me make a move on you.. sure
Make a move on me.. you have a bf
Watch a movie with me.. have
Get me a B-day gift.. lol.. uhh... its bday/xmas
Caress me.. weird..
Let me borrow your car.. haha yea but you'd prob blow it up
Be there for me.. i try to be
Buy me a drink.. yea but i doubt you would drink it
Bring me around your friends.. lol, umm.. jkjk i have
Give me a massage.. idk, dont massages lead to sex?!? thats what OC taught me...
Take me to the club.. yea
Go to sleep with me.. clothed..
Do me... i suppose if we were married?
Drink kool-aid with me.. haha thats random
Take advantage of me.. no!
E-mail me naked pics of you.. i dont even want to see those pics
Hangout with me... heck no! jkjk duh...
Take care of me if I wasn't feeling good.. yes i would
Hold hands with me.. sure
Screw me...... didnt we already ask that?
Do something incredibly sweet for me.. im a dude, i dont know how but if i knew how then yes
Give me a lap dance.. i dont do lap dances
tell me you love me.. only as a friend cuz you have a bf
call me.. never! ;) yea, i do |
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